I forgive you but…

I forgive you, but…what you’re asking me to do is to allow myself to be vulnerable to your recklessness of my best interest. In your position, you could hurt me beyond repair, and I’m having a hard time trusting you with that much influence. So, God, I forgive you but…

I’ve had trust issues for a long time. My bull-crap meter is super sensitive! I wasn’t born like that though, in fact, I remember being very naive and trusting when I was growing up, even well into my adulthood. I didn’t do my due diligence in vetting a lot of people, and as a result, I learned a lot of tough lessons. Got my butt kicked, a lot!

After I became a Christian, I read my bible, learned how to clap in rhythm, and I tucked my shirt in. As a Christian, you study how to vet people. Matthew 7:15-20 is a good example of that. 7:20 says, “Thus, by their fruit, you will recognize them”. I interpreted “fruit” in 3 ways.

• Result of actions
• Reputation
• Consistency

What are you doing? What are people inside and outside of your circle saying about you? How does the consistency stack up in both of those categories?

Alright! So, if you’re anything like me, if you’ve gone down this road of learning how to trust people. I’m going to assume that you have been hurt, let down, or betrayed by someone that you’ve previously trusted. Am I right?

I remember the first time I verbally expressed my distrust of God. I’d been a Christian for about 2 years, I was 22 years old, divorced, and living alone in an apartment on the 2nd floor of a storefront church. In private, I asked the God from the beginning, “How long do you expect me to be alone?“(I was really asking how long did He expect me to not have sex) He did not respond. My beef with God was starting to grow. The more I learned about His influence, the more I wondered why He didn’t influence on my behalf. I questioned the results of His actions, His reputation, and exactly how consistent He had been. I harbored that frustration for years. Occasionally verbalizing it to myself jokingly but you know, seriously. (I think a lot of us experience some of these feelings along the way and it’s a major reason why I believe the church community is so vital, a later blog though😊)

I began to take matters into my own naive, lustful, broken hands and made what I thought were good decisions(Proverbs 14:12). But, I made mistakes and horrible decisions. Now, I could no longer stand on my own merit. When I was younger, yes, I was a sinner but that was before Christ, I didn’t know any better. I repented and turned away from sin. Yet, here I was in more sin than I turned away from. What was my excuse now?

As a person, a father, and a husband my actions, my reputation, and my consistency were garbage. I knew it, other people knew it, and God knew it better than anyone else. What’re you going to do with me now, Lord? Curse me like the unfruitful fig tree? Kill me like the man and his wife that withheld and hid their resources? Surely, I’m as bad if not worse than them. Justice or mercy? I wanted to receive justice, I deserve justice. So, justice right?

As a man, trying to judge another person’s heart is impossible, so a lot of people fail at it, and we keep trying because of our need for a controlled environment. It’s really just easier to make assumptions. So, here I was, trying to judge Gods heart through the lens of an underdeveloped and finite mind. Needless to say, I failed. Like, challenging Uncle Phil to a pool game, or playing Forrest Gump in table tennis, failed.

I spent so much time trying to judge myself through other peoples eyes, through my own eyes, and through God’s eyes, that I really thought that all of those eyes were the same, that they all saw through the same lenses, with God’s eyes seeing the worst of me, thinking the worst of me. I’d forgotten Isaiah 55:8-9. I’d forgotten Psalm 103:2-18. Yes, He sees me but His thoughts are not my thoughts towards me, and His ways are not my ways towards me.

I don’t blame people for how they need to use “discernment” concerning others(Acts 9:13-14). We can’t see the motivations of hearts, nor do we have a sea to cast sins into. I do, however, blame myself for forgetting His benefits.  He has been more than good to me, I can testify to His mercy, to Him freely giving me wisdom, to Him guiding me to safety, to His provision, to His kindness, to His consistent love.

The God from the very beginning has nothing to prove, He watches over His word to perform it, the heavens declare His glory, His word outlasts the test of time. Still, it’s amazing to me how He hears us in spite of fears and failures(Psalms 34:4) and to go a step further, He cares and rescues us.

#Neverforget