A teenage rationale, a lie, and the hope.

Do you recall your first “adult” decision? How did you come to your conclusion?

I remember a time that I ran into a friend around the corner from my grandmother’s house, I was at a Septa bus stop in Philly. Here’s how that interaction went:

I was 15 years old at the time when this moment happened. It’s when I realized that I was molested too. 2 years earlier, I’d just turned thirteen, and that same guy who was just imprisoned, had abused me in that way.

I was furious. I thought, If only I had known how to identify the problem, I could have prevented it from happening to others. If I ever see that #$%!@, I’m going to kill him. [Pause] …does this mean that I’m gay?

The questioned was posed…Tim, does being molested by a guy mean that you’re gay?

With my fifteen year old rationale, I answered…no, I like girls! But, how is it that you can identify a handsome male from an ugly one? Why did you let that moment happen? Did it not feel wrong to you? Are you attracted to men? Shut up! NO! I like girls, is what I said to myself, putting to rest any other thought.

Back then, there were only 2 options on the table. Either you were straight or you practiced homosexuality. I, identified with being straight. Now, you take my 15yr old rationale and combine that with emotional neglect, sexual abuse, and parental neglect, and you may be able to gather that regardless of what I decided, this was not going to end well.

The Lie…

This was a monumentally important season in my life. I was experiencing anger and rage like I’d never experienced before, I’d made a conclusion about my life in the face of uncertainty, and I was about to embark on who I thought a “man” was supposed to be. The problem was, what I knew a heterosexual man to be was a lie too.

During this season, It wasn’t abnormal to find me around the “older crowd”, anywhere from 18 to 25. The older guys in my community talked about 3 things…money, drugs, and women. The question surrounding women was always, always, how many? There were no talks about sexual purity, no talk about marriage, not even talk about settling down…it was how many? The larger the number, the more prestige for the…man. I didn’t fall for the first lie, which was the, how you become homosexual lie, but the how you become a man lie, I’m ashamed to say, became my reality very quickly. I was so desperate to separate myself from one uncertainty, that I sprinted to just another uncertainty.

The Hope…

If this is your first time reading anything that I’ve written I should probably tell you…I’m a follower of Jesus Christ. And it’s not because I’m any different than the most dysfunctional person you know, I simply responded to His direction.

His direction? What’re you talking about crazy, Christian man?

In the context of the nature vs. nurture debate, “nature” refers to biological/genetic predispositions impacting human traits, and “nurture” describes the influence of learning and other influences from one’s environment.

https://www.medicinenet.com

Both my nature and my nurturing were, say it with me, DYS-FUNC-TIONAL. Yet, I’d somehow made a conscious decision to want to change the trajectory of my life, through means that wasn’t just about obtaining wealth or status. There was an intent planted in me to change the trajectory of the generations that would be birthed through me. My son was not going to grow up like I did, nor his son, or his son’s son. There was nothing in my nature or my nurturing that would have ever produced such an idea..zero. Only something or the someone I know to be God, who resides outside of my circumstances, could ever have introduced me to something like that. That’s my conclusion anyway. The fact the I have any resemblance of a healthy life is mind boggling to me. I don’t deserve any of it but here we are, living by grace.

So, the hope? Responding to the call of God, which can look different for everyone but He is calling. 1 Timothy 2:3-4 says that “God, our savior wants all people to be saved and to come to a knowledge of the truth”. That truth?

¹⁶ “For this is how God loved the world: He gave his one and only Son, so that everyone who believes in him will not perish but have eternal life.

John 3:16

³¹ Then said Jesus to those Jews which believed on him, If you continue in my word, then are you my disciples indeed;
³² And you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.

John 8:31-32

⁶ Jesus answered, I am the way, the truth, and the life: no man comes to the Father, except through me.

John 14:6

I can’t tell you what each of your steps will look like after responding but I do know that responding became the new monumentally(I like saying that word)important moment in my life. So first things first, respond.

⁵ Trust in the Lord with all your heart
    and lean not on your own understanding;
⁶ in all your ways submit to him,
    and he will make your paths straight.

Proverbs 3:5-6