Trauma
What was supposed to be a simple game of basketball, ended up being the beginning of a long journey in pain, doubt, and disappointment.
When I landed on the ground, nobody else had a clue I was hurt until they saw my knee cap in my thigh(hint: that’s not where it’s supposed to be). In one quick moment, I had completely ruptured my patellar tendon and lost all ability to walk.
That was only four months ago.
Two weeks after the incident, I underwent a quick but complex operation to repair my knee. It required reconnecting the patellar tendon with metal sutures by drilling holes into my knee cap. The surgery was similar to a total reconstructive knee operation, leaving a lengthy visible scar down my thigh to upper shin.
I laid in my bedroom for eight straight days after surgery, not wanting to see or talk to anybody. Every morning I woke up and stared at my leg in disbelief, crying into my hands bitterly. I found myself asking, “Why did this happen to me, Lord?” “What did I do to deserve this?” “Will I ever fully walk again?”
Slowly and surely, doubt crept into my mind and anxiety began to arrest my heart.
The Trial
With an injury like mine, rehab is critical in order to regain proper use of the leg. This is because my leg muscles had completely atrophied while my knee swelled with scar tissue. Scar tissue is a funny thing – it’s a natural part of the body’s healing process for wound repair. But its composition is different from the original malleable, flexible tissue that was torn; scar tissue is inflexible, hard and stubborn to manipulate.
Consequently, that same natural healing process also effectively prevents natural use of my leg because the scar tissue stops my knee from bending. Grueling physical therapy sessions are spent attempting to forcibly break up the scar tissue by bending the knee little by little. This won’t end until I’m able to fully bend and use my knee to its original range of motion and functionality.
At times, I’ve felt like I would never get back to 100%. Some sessions have been so painful I imagine other patients watching in horror hearing my screams. There’s always a part of me that wonders if I’d be satisfied with “good enough” just to get this season over with. Still, I’ve made the choice to endure the discomfort and pain, keeping my eyes fixed on the end goal of complete healing and restoration, and reminding myself that sometimes, pain is a necessary byproduct of the healing process.
Triumph
I don’t believe God has left me in my current situation to wallow in self-pity and self-loathing, nor do I believe He allows me to go through adversity without purpose. I have to believe that in all things…
“God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” (Romans 8:28). I’m called to, “consider it pure joy . . . whenever [I] face trials of many kinds, because [I] know that the testing of [my] faith produces perseverance.” (James 1:2).
One other thing I’m starting to realize through this process is that my physical injury has been a metaphor for the spiritual trauma I’ve incurred. There are countless times in my short life that I’ve experienced traumatic moments in my relationships, finances, and career but rarely had I ever gone through an intentional rehabbing of my heart after said traumas. Instead, I’ve proudly worn the scar tissue and callouses formed from those painful moments like a shield to guard my heart from future hurt and disappointment.
Our minds are programmed to avoid pain at all costs. It has been eye-opening to realize just how broken I’ve been deep down and how far the condition of my heart has been from God’s original design and purpose. All because I’ve allowed the fear of pain to stop God’s healing process.
Physically, I could have avoided rehab all together and let my knee “naturally heal” on its own. Sure I’d never be able to walk properly, sit, run, jump or play with my kids the same way ever again, but hey! – the pain would eventually subside. And, as I rehab, if at any moment I choose to quit too soon, I will never regain the full range of motion and functionality of my knee that God had originally designed it to have. That pain marks my progress and tells me my work is not quite finished.
Similarly, how many times have I chosen to “walk away” from a person who hurt me and let “time” heal wounds of betrayal or offense? How often do I internalize and carry the disappointment and the hurt of a missed career opportunity, or poor financial decisions rather than casting them on Him who cares for me? (1 Peter 5:7). So often in my life, instead of letting God address the condition of my heart, I allow it to become calloused and scarred as if it had “been seared with a hot iron.” (1 Timothy 4:2).
But only God can touch the deepest wounds in my soul, and remove the hardened scars choking my heart. “In him you were also circumcised with a circumcision not performed by human hands. Your whole self ruled by the flesh was put off when you were circumcised by Christ.” (Colossians 2:11).
Don’t get it twisted. This is not an admonishment to reach out to every toxic relationship and befriend those who have betrayed you. This is not a guarantee that the promotion you were passed up on will be given to you. This is a call to recognize the scars you carry from past pains and disappointments, and allowing God to break them apart and heal you. None of us are meant to carry that hurt lest we deny the power of Christ’s sacrifice for us on the cross.
Therefore, every day until I’m fully healed I’ll remind myself of this lesson. Even though the pain from the initial trauma may be gone, the absence of pain does not mean I’m healed. Refusing to endure future pain will forever prevent me from regaining the functionality and usefulness for which God originally designed my knee to have. How much more so, then, the condition of my heart?
As the author of Hebrews says:
I’ve got to “throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles [and] run with perseverance the race marked out for [me], fixing [my] eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith . . . so that [I] will not grow weary and lose heart,” so that I will press onward . . . so that I will push through . . . so that I will persevere . . . and by God’s grace . . . so that I will Triumph.
Timothy Earl Jr. 