Where I’m from, brokenness is normal, expected, and even celebrated. The more I flowed in it, the cooler I was, the more accepted I was. I had no hope or expectation of anything better. Why would I? Where would I have gotten the evidence from?
When I was only 18, I was told that I was going to be a father. It was like having ice cold water thrown in my face. Suddenly, I had to think of someone else’s life. My decision making would no longer just affect me but would now have generational implications. One thing I knew was that I did not want my son to have my life. I remember the exact moment when I made that very conscious decision. I need to do things differently.
I didn’t know God at the time but His reputation was that He was Good, people cried out to Him for help, and often times He answered. That’s all I knew. It would be all I needed to know. So I pursued Him in an effort to learn how to be good, but I got more than I bargain for.
The love of God has been such that, I know the words that try to define it but they still seem to fall so short. Because I’ve done enough to know that I definitely don’t deserve His love but He still protects me, provides for my family, and empowers me to push past my limits for understanding. Instead of shame, guilt, and stagnation, I am loved and am growing in love everyday. When I thought that I was choosing Him, I’ve learned that He’s been pursuing me my whole life. He too did not want His son to have to live this life alone and without love.
Timothy Earl Jr. 